


You're as Cold as Ice

by MysticalMondfee



Category: Homestuck
Genre: First Meetings, Fluff, Humanstuck, M/M, One Shot, Sort of like a coffee shop AU, They don't do the do, but with shaved ice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-04
Updated: 2013-12-04
Packaged: 2018-01-03 12:18:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1070391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticalMondfee/pseuds/MysticalMondfee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sollux drags Karkat out to a shaved ice place so he can give him his birthday present. It's not at all like what Karkat expected. You, maybe. Karkat? No. He should have though considering this is Sollux and Dave we are talking about here, what do you expect? Actually, we aren't talking about those two because this is about Karkat and John's first meeting in this AU.</p>
<p>This was inspired by my vacation to Albuquerque, New Mexico, when I went to the best shaved ice place in all of history. I was very satisfied. </p>
<p>Btw, the only reasoning behind the title is shaved ice and Sollux being a butt.</p>
<p>Haha, I ramble.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're as Cold as Ice

"Come on KK we're almost there, quit bitching."

"Give me one good reason not to asshole. You're making me walk for fucking ever at fuck this o'clock to some shitty place that you insist is a 'thurprithe,' so you're not going to hear the end of it from me until you tell me where the fuck we are going and why," you snarl at your best shitty friend. He gives you a lopsided simile and shoves your shoulder.

"Just trust me KK I'm sure you'll love it."

You scuff along and shove your hands deeper into your pockets. "Thure thing Thullox, whatever you thay."

Ignoring your usual exaggeration of his slight lisp, Sollux continues to drag your miserable ass on the sidewalk that you swear to some holy deity that it's going to melt under you at any given moment and engulf you like the river of Styx due to the fuckery the damn weather is dishing up for yet another day in this shithole.

Finally the bipolar freak stops and grins as he displays to you the destination. It's a small ass building next to some dinky bookstore. It has a tacky board walk sign even though it's in the middle of the fucking city and the nearest body of water is miles away. What takes the shitty cake is that there's a fucking wooden surfboard under the sign.

"Tada," Sollux says after you don't say anything.

You actually bother to read the sign this time. "Bahama Buck's: Original Shaved Ice Company. Seriously? Why, might I ask, have you brought me to this corny shop of unpleasantries?"

Sollux's smile doesn't flatter though, "Because this will be the best fucking birthday experience you will ever have in your shitty life."

You scowl at him as he pushes through the doors. Immediately the stench of coconut attacks your nose with sledge hammers and the beach theme assaults your eyes with acid. You mumble under your breath about this but Sollux ignores you and walks to the cashier like he own the whole fucking establishment. The bell on the door rings and the young cashier perks up and lifts his head to see his customers. You can't help but be reminded about a puppy waiting for his owners. Or a prairie dog on the lookout, which would be a more suitable metaphor for this dusty environment in Albuquerque.

One look at Sollux and a massive grin consumes every feature on the guy's face. Every aspect of the employee lights up and you swear that the guy tried to walk through the counter.

"Sollux!" he exclaimed excitedly, leaving over the counter that is blocking his path. "How are you? I haven't seen you in, like, forever!"

The scrawny, computer obsessed doofus chuckles, allowing a thin, genuine smile to posses his lips. "Glad to see you too, JN."

The cashier is a small guy, just a bit taller than you, with soft features. He doesn't look a month older than sixteen but damn he has some nice upper arm muscles. He looks at you, for the first fucking time, and fuck him and his blue eyes, this guy is *hot.* However his grin drops suddenly and the look he gives you is too fucking easy to read as "Who the hell are you?" that Terezi could even see it. He then turns his attention back to Sollux ignoring you like a piece of shit on the floor that he left for someone else to clean up.

"Where's Dave?"

You suddenly know why you were brought here. This is Sollux and Dave's place. This is the place where they frequently go to start dates or just to hang out and socialize like good little shits while you watch tearjerking movies and read heartfelt books.

"Sorry to let you down but your bro's not gonna make it to this date." The other boy's face contorts into concern and Sollux quickly explains, "Don't get your panties in a bundle, JN. He isn't free from me yet, this crabby guy is the person I've been telling you about. It's his birthday so I came here to give him his present." Sollux gives you a smug smirk. The bastard. You've known him since he transferred to your middle school and you saved his ugly ass from some fuckers giving him shit about his eyes and thick lisp. You've gotten to the point where you can read him like book and this particular chapter is titled, "I'm going to set KK up with some stranger that is his fucking type for his birthday because I'm a fucktard who finds that shit funny." You give him your best glare but he brushes it off.

Meanwhile, the attractive idiot doesn't see any of this apparently when he turns back to you with the same engrossing grin plastered on his face. "Oh! Karkat, right? I'm John Egbert, it's nice to meet you!" John reaches over the counter, offering his hand, and you give it a firm shake. "Sorry for being rude earlier, I was just really surprised! I've never seen Sollux come here without Dave, much less with someone else. You must be very special to him."

You frown a little more, "I better be. I was the unlucky bastard who had to care of his useless ass for fucking eight unfortunate years like a mother tiger nursing some other bitches pathetic, unwanted cub until Dave showed up and relieved me of my title of 'This Dipshit's Fucking Caretaker' so I didn't have to worry about his eating habits, or lack there of, and basically all his other habits of neglecting his personal well being. I should be awarded a shit ton of medals for keeping this shitface out of trouble. If it weren't for me he would be sentenced to life in jail as a national security threat because he hacked into the FBI's data base and changed the theme to My Little Ponies because he was *bored.* So I better be special to this fucknut even if its only as a thank you for putting up with his shit for fucking ever." Egbert looks at you intently for a single moment before he bursts into uncontrollable laughter. He literally bends over and you wouldn't be surprised if he dies of suffocation.

You groan and address the only other coherent being besides yourself in the place, "What did I do this time? I think he is broken, Captor, you should see if any stores will fix a lunatic next time you go out to a get extra shitty parts for your unidentified computer gadgets and other bullshit."

The sputtering dumbass inhales and wipes away a loose tear. "That was beautiful! Absolutely marvelous! Are you always like that or was that something you've needed to get off your chest?"

Before you tell him that you didn't need to get that off your chest and you were just stating a fact, Sollux beat you to the fucking punch. "Yes, he is *always* like that. You can never get him to stop yelling, much less shut up."

"Are you done degrading me to a prime example of human incompetence or are we going to order some ungodly contraption so we can get out of this god forsaken dump?"

"Yeah, fine KK. You can be so difficult sometimes," mister lisper rolls his eyes. "I'll have my usual in a regular. And this douchebag will have a root beer float with the cream shit in a baby size." You give Sollux an offended stare but John nods and grabs two styrofoam cups. He writes what you deduce is the order on the bottoms and walks over to the back wall that has about seventy different bottles of flavours. You did not use any literary devices in that sentence. You did not exaggerate. You really think that seventy is fucking spot on as you do simple math in your head.

"What did you get, shitstain?" you mumble to the asshole next to you.

"Eh? Oh, half red raspberry and half blue. Why?"

"Fucking figures," is the only reply you offer.

"Are you going to do anything fun after this?" John asks as he grabs three bottles from the wall and a fourth one from a cabinet.

Sollux responds with, "Nah, the only thing this loser wants to do is watch shitty romcoms and there's no way you can force me to watch them. Again."

John chuckles and yeah that's really attractive. Fuck you, why are you thinking about all this shit? You don't even know the guy and you're still ogling over him. Fuck him. Fuck you. Fuck hormones.

However, even after that pep talk, you are still staring at him while he works. He sets this huge ass chuck of ice on this blade machine and you wonder how many unfortunate employees have cut themselves on it numerous times.

"How do you like your birthday gift, if you know what I mean?" Sollux says in a hushed tone so Egbert can't hear.

"What the hell are you playing at, Captor? What kind of sick, fermented game is this? Did you have to dig way back in the asscrack of the refrigerator in order to find this pice of moldy shit so you could do a cool fucking experiment on me to see 'if I hold this under KK's face will he turn up his nose?' Well the answer is hell fucking yes because there is no way you could slap this bitch to make me want to play along in this foul game that's sure to humiliate me as a result. You may as well go crying back to your pretty boyfriend so you both can cry together until you puke the pig and premature chicks you ate for fucking breakfast. You two can drown in your woes and bodily fluids because Karkat wouldn't entertain your nasty, perverted fantasies," you weren't as hushed as Sollux but you know that usually normal people can't follow your metaphors. However John is laughing silently to himself as he shaves the huge ass chunk of ice with the spinning blade. Captor is smirking at you and oh shit you forgot that Egbert is supposedly 'best bros' with Strider so he's used to this crap.

Sollux looks you in the eye like he's going to say something intelligent but of fucking course that's not going to be the case.

"I'm going to tell Dave that you called him pretty." The dork behind the counter loses it and loud laughter rings through the shop. You snarl at Sollux and snap at John, "Shut up bitchbite! And you, shit for brains, pay attention to that shitty blade, you're going to," he yelps, "cut...yourself...on it. God dammit, real fucking smooth. Next thing you know you're going to be a criminal. "

Oh hell he's snickering. "It's not my fault that you've been struck by me!" Oh god he winks at you and shoots a pair of dopey finger guns at you. "What can I say, I get all the ladies." Oh shit he just waggled his eyebrows at you. "I guess that I'm just at natural heartbreaker!" Oh fuck he's licking the blood off his finger.

And damn it all Captor why is he laughing? Between his huffs you can make out, "Your...face...fuck ...Jackson...really...you...know... Dave's...bro...god...shit."

You're fuming and you swear you have steam spewing out of your ears like a god awful Saturday cartoon. Yeah your face probably resembles that of a lobster.

You fling your arms up in frustration and storm over to a table, "Excuse me, I wasn't aware that it was national 'Fuck with Karkat Vantas' day. It's a shame too because if I had known I could have prepared at special, personal fuck you for everyone. Oh wait, everyday is 'Fuck with Karkat Vantas' day and it in no way has caught me by surprise." You clear your throat for dramatic effect, "Whenever you open your mouth I have to shield myself with an umbrella from all the shit that spews out. I dread having to make light conversations with imbeciles like you who screw up and massacre simple logic without a doubt. If you decide at an inappropriate time to grace me with your unfortunate face at an inconvenient place I will send you away without a clear route. Go shove an old gym shoe down your throat."

Both fuckers are laughing their asses off. John stumbles into a back door and comes back with a bandaid and a alcohol pad. He has to calm down first and regain his breath before he wipes the blade. "You are comedy gold, Karkat!" John explains. "We should totally do an act together! I can wow the audience with my sick magic skills and you can wow them with the magnitude of your negative emotion. People would find it hilarious and would come from all over the state to see you be an asshole!" He says it like a fucking compliment what is wrong with this kid?

The other douche joins you at your table and the two of you wait for your diabetes in a cup. You talk for some time about meaningless things and have pointless quarrels. You sort of feel like you pushed a little too far but Sollux says that you both are still friends like always.

"A regular Sollux and a baby root beer float with the cream shit!" a cheery voice calls. You push your chair back in order to stand but Egbert stops you, "Wait, no I'm going to join you guys if you don't mind! It's really slow before lunch." He sits on the counter and swigs his legs over. He hops down and grabs your orders. After he hands you and Sollux them, he plops down in the seat to the right of you. He smiles as Sollux waists no time digging in and turns to you expectantly. "Are you going to try it?" He finally asks as you stare at it for a minute.

"Shut up, I'll eat it when I'm god damn ready for it. I'll take my sweet ass time if I want to," you retort.

After glaring at him for another minute, the assfuck across from you pipes in, "Eat your fucking ice, KK, before it melts."

You sigh, pick up the plastic spoon, and take a scoop of the frozen treat. As soon as it hits your tongue you stop, frozen in that moment. The sweet juice melts and trickles across your taste buds. You can tell that the two fucknuts are staring at you but you can't seem to give a flying fuck. In fact, you can't muster any fucks at all. All fucks have left the premises, you repeat all fucks have left the premises. It is now safe to gawk at Karkat like a moronic shitbag until the fucks returns and he beats you to a bloody pulp that would make little children cry out in fear because you are the monster they have night terrors about. You finally pull the spoon out off your mouth and stick it in your baby sized cup. Your hands return to your lap before you say, "This. Is. The. Ambrosia. Made. For the fucking *gods.* I swear that if anything is going to make me fucking believe in a cocksucking deity this is most defiantly it. Holy fucking shit. HOLY FUCKING SHIT," you take another bite. The two shitbags laugh at you but they can fuck themselves with rusty forks for all you care."Fuck you Captor! Why did you not bring me to this sacred place, you greedy bastard?"

"Hey, you were the one griping about coming here in the first place. I told you it is the shit."

"Which is the fucking understatement of the century! Fuck you Captor, fuck you."

"Ehehehe, maybe latter if Dave lets me."

You glare at him in hopes that under the intensity he will combust into hellfire. Unfortunately Satan does not reward your efforts. You guess it's because you've been blessed with holy shaved ice.

Quite suddenly, the dipshit stands up and announces, "Welp. I'm going to blow this Popsicle stand. See you guys latter."

And with that he left.

John and you sit there in silence for a moment.

"Soooooooo, I guess it's just us," John breaks the silence.

"Really, Captain Obvious?"

The dumbdumb actually giggles. "Yeah, really."

You look at him skeptically while you eat the shaved goodness with your COLOUR CHANGING SPOON. HELL FUCKING YES.

"What are you doing for birthday?"

"That was already established you imbecile. After I finish this exquisite cup of deliciousness, I'm going to go home and marathon movies while eating popcorn and chocolate. Then I guess I'll finish that research project for bio. And sleep. I'm going to bed at nine and nothing of this world can stop me."

John gives you a weird look, "You're going to do work on your birthday?"

You roll your eyes to the heavens. "Of course, dumbbutt. It's due in three days and it's not going to do me any good if I put it off any longer. Besides, I have nothing better to do today."

"Well, now you do!" the derp stands up and and runs back behind the counter, properly this time instead of doing that stunt that would make health inspectors cringe.

He goes behind a door and comes back out with his cell phone to his ear, "Hi, Feferi! I was wondering if you could come early and take the lunch rush for me." He pauses while the other person replies. "It's my friends birthday and he was going to spend it alone. I know, it's really sad." You feel your embarrassment rise to your face. "Yeah, I'll take your shift with Eriden next week." He laughs. "No, it won't be a problem. I understand that you need to take a breather. Thanks. Bye!" He hangs up and puts his phone in his pocket. You eye him critically as he makes his way back to you.

"What are you playing at, Egbert?"

He smiles, "We are going out! To the movie theatre!" You raise an eye brow at him and he realizes what his words could imply. "I mean as friends," he says quickly with blush creeping up. "Not as a date! I'm not asking you out. Well I guess I sort of am, but that's not what I wanted! Not meaning that I wouldn't want to date you because you are nice and pretty cute. Wait! That's not what I meant, forget I said that. I just thought you'd be lonely spending your birthday by yourself and would like some company. But I should have asked first, so I guess I'm asking now if you'd like to go to the movies with me but not as a date." His blush is deeper now but you're relatively sure you know where he's coming at. If you are correct, it's the cause of "I like you but we just met so let's be friends so we can get to know each other." You can defiantly work with that.

But first things first.

"Cute? I am not cute. That is not a term you apply to a male young adult. In fact..."

"Karkat!" he interrupts you. "You're not fooling anyone. You're adorable, don't deny it."

"I am NOT adorable. And there is nothing to fool anyone with because that's a solid fact! How could I possibly be adorable?"

You asked that rhetorically but John answers anyway, "Like a grumpy cat! Cats are cute, even when they're being assholes. Like you." Before you could rip his throat out, a couple walks in, and John has to attend to them like a proper employee.

As the strangers order a bit of heaven, you finish yours and wonder if you should take John up on his offer. Who are you kidding, of course you are going to take him up on the offer.

A bubbly girl bounces in and relieves John of his job. He smiles, grabs his stuff, and beckons for you as he exists the door.

This is going to be interesting.

////

Bonus:

"Twenty two bucks, cough it up."

"No way, did they seriously hit it off like cookies and sweets at a drooling toddler's shitty birthday party with its grimy, sugar-crazed friends?"

"Yep. JN even asked him out on 'not technically' a date. I so told you so."

"Damn. And it was only, what, four months ago when little baby Egbutt finally decided he was bi? My how our child has grown, Dear. At this rate, he'll be leaving home in a month!"

"I don't think so, Honey. I think it's only going to last a week until KK gets fed up and asks him out on a real date."

"No way, twenty two bucks says your wrong."

"Bonus if they do the do within the month."

"Deal.""Deal."


End file.
